"What's Wrong with this Moment?"
It took me a long time, decades of practice, to realize that joy is a foundational aspect of human consciousness. This has been a key insight from living in the conscious awakening community at Clear Sky Retreat Center. It involves trusting in the universe and realizing, deeply, the limitations of our egos.
My experience of living in a conscious community has been a key element in my evolution as a human being, especially with regards to understanding, abiding by and adjusting to cultural norms. The cultural norms at Clear Sky, although they may not be apparent to others at first, are quite radically healthy. Sometimes we laughingly call ourselves a cult. And in the next breath we remind whoever we are talking with that the widely accepted norms of the society we live in are also a cult. Cult is the root word of culture and we benefit from being clear about how we are indoctrinated to what is accepted and seen to be normal.
"... I hated the pain, anguish and intense struggle I found myself immersed in on an almost daily basis."
The culture in the retreat center was created and evolved as we grew, which added another layer of excitement and complexity. This was part of both my loving and hating what I was involved in. I loved the idea of being a part of this living, breathing, awakening Center. And I hated the pain, anguish and intense struggle I found myself immersed in on an almost daily basis. I battled negative moods, emotional pain, distrust and plain old crankiness.
A large component of my struggle was maintaining what I call “professionalism”, which to me involves interpersonal maturity including respect, compassion and understanding, while at home. I understood and was mostly able to provide this at work. Somehow I understood and learned the ‘leave my troubles at home and don’t bring them to work’ ethic. But I thought that when I left work and came home I was supposed to be able to be “myself”, otherwise known as moody, emotional, distrustful and plain old cranky. Well, let’s say “less professional”. By a long shot.
Over time, years literally, and the great compassion of my Teachers and sangha, I came to realize I wasn’t doing myself or others any favors by letting myself “off the hook” as it were.
Initially the challenge of respectful living together was a concept that didn’t even enter my mind. It wasn’t that I thought of it and then decided to reject being kind and thinking of my impact on others. No. I didn’t even see it as a choice. The option did not exist for me. This is the perfect definition of a “blind spot”.
And if I had been able to name it or see it as a possibility that existed in the universe, I definitely did not think it was a possibility for me. Not for this woman. No way. Not possible. I wasn’t …I’m not sure what best describes my thinking back then. Perhaps smart enough. Perhaps capable of being a worthy human. Not possible to be a responsible human being. I just didn’t believe I had it in me.
Gradually over time, after many hours of role modelling, coaching and simple pointing out examples by mature adults who could show up in a respectful manner in various settings, such as at the dinner table, walking and talking, drinking a glass of wine or casually having tea, I saw how people could be relaxed, clear, calm and present. They weren’t moody. They might appear frustrated or angry, but even those moods were clear and clean. The anger passed through without resentment, silent treatment or passive aggressive back stabbing.
Adjusting to communal living was a monumental challenge for me. Over time, gradually, I started to understand the need for clear communication and healthy boundaries, not only at work but at home too. I was evolving and my life was improving on all fronts..
As I became aware that there were other ways of “doing” home life, I realized that although I was secretly blind to me, everyone else saw it clearly, namely that I was living a child’s perspective in an adult body. I was expecting others to cater to my bad moods and thought that it was their job to get me into a good mood. I had literally no idea that I could choose to be in a good state. And that I had the power to make that choice a reality. As a young woman I had the power that youth brings, but it was more like carrying a tsunami in my pocket. I had no idea what to do with that energy in any kind of skillful or compassionate fashion.
In time , bit by bit, the realization dawned that being “professional” at home is a healthy option and more pleasant.The concept of home life being affirming, joyful, and mutually co-created was new to me. I had a wonderful upbringing in so many ways, but I didn’t learn how to manage emotions well or communicate with respect.
I have immense gratitude for the practical strategies and support from my Teachers and my community. I evolved from being a cranky, and selfish person. I recognize the interconnectedness of all beings. In very practical and philosophical ways. If one person is in a mood we all feel it. This happened in my childhood home but none of us had the skills back then to address it or deal with it in a respectful manner. None of us wanted to poke the bear of the cranky person. So we all learned to cope in various ways. I just ignored it and carried on pretending it wasn’t happening at all. That is why I was so shocked when people noticed I was cranky. I thought it was an invisible mood. If I was cranky I became magically invisible until I was in a better mood. How shocking it was to me when someone named the effect I had on them and what they saw I was doing. It was like the fable, “The Emperor’s New Clothes” by Hans Christian Andersen came to life. It was not a relief it was horrifying to me to be seen in my negative emotional state. Not only am I in a bad mood but now you are in my face about it. What’s with all these people breaking all the rules I learned about how to live together?!?
Now from my current vantage point I realize that I had little idea of what was good for me. I thought indulging in my moods, following my personality traits and habits built in childhood and adolescence were what I needed. I learned that the ego, built as it is on pain and disconnect, is not a good judge of what the being truly needs to grow and be healthy. At least not for a long time after much training. True needs are often hidden from our awareness.
It is difficult to show my warts in the spotlight for all to see. It is difficult to admit to and then change long-held negative behaviors. And we must. In order to be well and healthy and evolve, in order to experience our innate joy, the birthright of being human, we must be willing to see ourselves as others see us. And it feels so much better when we do. My advice is don’t wait! Find the spiritual friends who will help you evolve and inquire about their successes in helping people evolve.