Broke but not Broken
Let’s not beat around the bush – I’m broke. Almost $100K in debt broke. I take big risks, and when it works out, it’s exhilarating. When it doesn’t, it can be incredibly painful and disheartening.
One year ago, I was frozen at a particularly low point in this wave, swimming in vaguely masked shame and fear. Something needed to change. I signed up for a course with Mindful Money Coach, Karen McAllister.
The archetype of the risk-taker, I learned, is called “The Fool,” one of the Money Archetypes alongside the Innocent, Victim, Warrior, Martyr, Creator/Artist, Tyrant, and Magician.
At the start of the course, Karen gave us a quiz to determine how each of these characters was playing a role in our relationship with money, and Karen and I dove right into the results one-on-one.
“Angie, The Fool and Magician are both present, which is good, but placing The Magician in the driver’s seat instead will create a lot more stability for you. Also, I’m not seeing it reflected here by the quiz, but I’m picking up very strongly The Creator/Artist in you – what’s going on with that?” I was annoyed by her comment. “What do you mean? I used to play music, but that wasn’t ever going to pay the bills, so I started working in Hospitality. I wasn’t happy, I quit my job, and now I rent out my apartment on Airbnb.” Karen pursed her lips and furrowed her brow noticeably. “Okay. What are you hoping I can help you with then Angie?”
The reality was, despite being very profitable at times, this Airbnb business was also my greatest source of stress. My landlord, who had initially agreed to allow me to host guests, had began to change his tune. I had sunk a great deal of time and money into furnishing and decorating, and I lived in constant fear of being shut down before I could break even on my investment, let alone turn a profit. More than just the time and money however, was my creative investment. I had taken the risk to share something with the world that I truly valued and had poured myself into.
What I didn’t mention to Karen in that first meeting, was that I had more than just “played music” previously. Music had been my passion – my life. I had practiced several hours daily from age 13, rising rapidly before being accepted into The Royal Conservatory of Music in The Hague. The pressures however proved too much for my tender ego to bear, and after three years I dropped out. Truth be told – I ran away – and I’ve been doing it ever since.
For periods of time I “buckled down.” I did the practical things I was supposed to do – get a job, work hard, budget, save – in many respects I was actually quite good with money. Over time though, an undeniable tension would begin to build. Like the band of a slingshot slowly drawing back, eventually I would reach a critical point.
In a desperate flying leap towards a new job, new relationship, new outfit, a round of drinks, a class, a trip, an entrepreneurial venture, I would find my release, and feel – even just for a moment – FREE … but never quite as free as I once felt on stage with my saxophone. Inevitably, after a short reprieve, I’d sober up, and in a panic, I’d return back to the safe embrace of my familiar suffering – each time carrying with me the additional weight of a little more doubt and a little more debt.
In Catherine Sensei’s recent teaching on The Wheel of Dependent Origin, she noted that “a great way to make people happy is to be different.”
In Catherine Sensei’s recent teaching on The Wheel of Dependent Origin, she noted that “a great way to make people happy is to be different. It is very refreshing because then they have to be different too.” This insight struck me deeply, and helped me clarify why the work of integrating our money shadow is so incredibly important. The obscured and discarded parts of us that make us unique, contain precious gifts of liberation – not just for ourselves – but for everyone around us.
In the end, I let go of my Airbnb business, but what I gained was so much greater. I started to take risks again – not in desperate flying leaps, but as slow deliberate acts of courage to reveal rather than conceal to others that which makes me different. As clumsy or terrifying as it feels, each time I do it, I gift myself with a small taste of freedom – which is what I thought I needed money for.

Now, at the end of the Money and Spirituality Karen program with Karen – Financially I might still be broke – but I no longer feel broken. Within the safe container of our group and buddy system, we’ve been diving deeply beneath the surface together, again and again, uncovering sunken treasures of our lost and fragmented parts – not just around money, but in every aspect of our lives.
I have discovered that the freedom that I so crave is less about being free to do this or that, and more about being free from the belief that “in order to feel safe – I must hide.” May we be wealthy in your differentness, and generous in your expression – These living assets are worth more than any amount of Fool’s gold.

Free Webinar: Integrating the Money Shadow in your Life
with Karen McAllister
Saturday, January 25th
This class is for spiritually-focused people whose spiritual aspiration is the most important thing in their lives, yet they struggle with their relationship with money and values.
Many spiritually-focused people feel that their spiritual life is hindering their ability to earn enough money. Or they know they have money issues but do not know what those issues are. They feel confused, lost, and have a very scattered relationship to money—the thought of it leads to fear and dissociation.